LOTR The Way It Was Never Meant To Be Written
by Sceptic01
Summary: The weird creations of two very bored 13 year olds... Salmon is coming to destroy the haven! The Ring must be destroyed! Everyone's going crazy and no one actually knows where the Ring is...
1. Default Chapter

Lord Of The Rings - The Way It Was Never Meant To Be Written  
  
This is a short story with little or no plot. . Me and my friend made it up when we were bored in school. Enjoy!. and don't take to seriously..  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; only their new names .The characters are JRR Tolkein's and JK Rowling's.apart from the hamster  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"You know not what lurks underneath the table top" Said Rudolf the Red (nose- he always had a cold). Suddenly out jumped Duplolad, clad in green armor.  
  
"Alas, alack!"  
  
"Alas, alack?" Said Froggo.  
  
"Alas, alack" Said Duplolad "This haven will be destroyed by Salmon!"  
  
"How did you get here?" Asked Rudolf the Red (nose reindeer- he was good at transfiguration)  
  
"Far up yonder, Ye Olde Seagull gave me a lifte"  
  
"Oh" Said Froggo  
  
"Help!" Came a voice "Voldemort's hamster's after me! It's the Hamster of Death!" In burst a strange boy with messy black hair & a lightning bolt scar. "Ron? Hermione?"  
  
"Who?" Asked Rudolf the Red (nose- Comic Relief) "We are Rudolf, Froggo & Duplolad. Who are these people with strange names?"  
  
"Er, sorry. Wrong story."  
  
"Alas, alack"  
  
"Doth! We are to venture intoeth the Elijah Woods" Proclaimed Rudolf the Read (book)  
  
"We shalleth make base at the Orlando Camp" Said Froggo  
  
"Alas, alack"  
  
"Shall I duel with Salmon?"  
  
"Salmon? You're dueling with a fish?" Asked Harry.  
  
"No, he is the evil Lord of Almost Middle Earth, who also goes by the name of Sharky" Said Froggo scornfully  
  
"You're all nuts!"  
  
"No we are dotheth notheth. We are mystical creatures from Almost Middle Earth"  
  
"Alas, alack"  
  
"Oh shut up Duplolad!" It was Arrowthorn, son of Sharpthorn, heir of Pricklythorn (aka- Pigeon Steps)  
  
"I was annoying. I am clad in green armour"  
  
"You're all crazy!" Said Harry.  
  
"We're crazy?! You're going on about something called a 'Hamster'! What the hell is that supposed to be?" Asked Arrowthorn indignantly.  
  
"Quiet! The trees are talking."  
  
"Yes. Of course they are Duplolad. And look, here come the men in white coats to take you to nice little room with padded walls."  
  
"White coats?" Asked Rudolf the Red (tomato - running out of ideas). "It's Salmon! The White Wizard!"  
  
"I thought you were the White Wizard" Said Froggo  
  
"Don't be an idiot! He has to fight an indestructible monster, win, die anyway, wait until we've all gotten over the fact that he's dead and moved on and then he'll come back as the White Wizard to save us all again." Said Arrowthorn  
  
"Oh" 


	2. Chapter 2 Talking Trees & Confused Char...

Lord Of The Rings - The Way It Was Never Meant To Be Written  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the new characters that appear in this chapter. They obviously belong to their creators; although the new names are my own ideas. Anyway, here we go...  
  
Chapter 2 - Talking Trees and Confused Characters  
  
"Alas alack! I hear trees talking.All the time!"  
  
"Heeelllllll."  
  
"Who said that? It's him isn't it? He's out to get me! He says I'm going to hell! Aaaagghhhhh!!!!!!!" Yelled Harry. *Exits screaming like a girl.*  
  
"...lllloooo"  
  
"Why are you smiling Rudolf " Asked Froggo  
  
"Because I have had a sudden flash of brilliance none of you lower mortal beings could possibly of imagined."  
  
"Oh looketh! It's Bush-stubbleth!" Exclaimed Duplolad. "Maybeth he can helpeth us defeateth Salmon"  
  
"Duplolad isn't a mortal being so he doesn't count" Said Rudolf the Red (and green - he was being festive) sulkily.  
  
"Excuses excuses" Said Arrowthorn "Bush-stubble! Will you help us defeat Salmon and reclaim Almost Middle Earth?"  
  
[Author's Note: All Bush-stubble's speeches are very long so I am going to write the condensed and sped up version.Feel free to read as slow as you want.]  
  
"Well. I would keep him imprisoned in the Tower and talk to him until he goes insane, but as you will never actually come back to see me, I see nothing in it for me." Replied Bush-stubble  
  
"Good, good" Said Arrowthorn waking up. (Everyone had fallen asleep by the time Bush-stubble got to the word 'Tower'... then Bush-stubble fell asleep himself)  
  
"Huh?" Asked Froggo waking up  
  
"Alas al..."  
  
"ME WANTS IT!!! ME WANTS IT!!! NASTY, FAT, THIEVING HOBBITSES!!!"  
  
"Now really Pollen. You could give Froggo an eating disorder saying things like that. Just because Hobbits stuff their faces day and night and are, well, a perhaps little on the podgy side, does not mean that they're nasty and fat." Said Arrowthorn reprovingly.  
  
"He's right Treacle, you're a bad demented Hobbit, very bad demented Hobbit!" Came a voice from behind Arrowthorn.  
  
"Treacle wouldn't hurt a fly!!! He'd kill a Hobbit yes, but not a fly!!!" Wailed Treacle/Pollen.  
  
*Starts hitting himself over the head with a handy rock*  
  
"Treacle, no!" Yelled Froggo stepping towards him.  
  
Suddenly a little green balding goblin thing came rushing out of nowhere.  
  
"No! He must learn to discipline himself, yes! He must overcome the dark side within himself, yes. It is the way of the force!"  
  
"Whateth?" Asked Duplolad.  
  
"Yeah, who on Almost-Middle-Earth are you?" Said Rudolf the Red (rose - he had a fondness for flowers)  
  
"For that matter, who the hell is he?" Asked Arrowthorn pointing down at his side where a small, pillow case-wearing creature sporting red and yellow toe socks was currently tottering around aimlessly; his pupils the size of dinner plates.  
  
"Whoever he is, he's either drunk or high by the looks of him." Said Rudolf the Red (Microwave?)  
  
The small, pillow case-wearing creature sporting red and yellow toe socks looked up at them bemusedly.  
  
"Is Sir talking to me, Sir? He asked in a squeaky, high pitched voice  
  
"What are you? Who are you? And what are you doing here?" Asked Arrowthorn  
  
"And whoeth are alleth these...thingeths?" Asked Duplolad  
  
"I am Dinky the Home Elf Slave, Sir. And this" He pointed at the little green balding goblin thing "is the ancient and most wise master of Yoga, Sir; and we are here because we don't have a map, Sir"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"We don't have a map, Sir"  
  
"Alas alack" Said Duplolad  
  
"Precisely, Sir" Said Dinky  
  
"Hang on" Said Froggo "Did you say elf? I thought Duplolad was an elf?!"  
  
*Everyone looks at Duplolad who is doing his gazing thoughtfully into the distance pose. Everyone stays that way for several minutes until Bush -stubble falls asleep and starts snoring.*  
  
[Have you ever heard an tree snore?  
  
No?  
  
Well that doesn't matter as it's completely irrelevant because Bush-stubble is a) Not a tree and b) Actually snores.  
  
When he snores, the ground shakes and birds within a 100 mile radius die of fright. In short, it's very, very loud. Think screaming girl fans at an Orlando Bloom film premiere.]  
  
"Alas alack" Sighed Duplolad resignedly  
  
"What? Do you mean...you're not an elf?..." Gasped Froggo  
  
To be continued...  
  
In the next chapter... Duplolad confesses all; Pollen continues to undermine Froggo's confidence; Rudolf gets fed up with everyone's childish behaviour, and Harry Potter Returns. (But not as King.) 


	3. Chapter 3 Elven Confession

Lord Of The Rings - The Way It Was Never Meant To Be Written  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the new characters that appear in this chapter. They obviously belong to their creators: JRR Tolkien, J K Rowling & George Lucas (Creator of Star Wars)  
  
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Chapter 3 - Elven Confessions  
  
"Whateth? Oh courseth I'm an elfeth"  
  
"An 'elfeth'? Not an elf?" Inquired Froggo  
  
"Oh shut upeth!" Said Duplolad angrily "You're justeth jealouseth because all the girleth fancy me(eth?) and not youeth!"  
  
"Fat, ugly Hobbit!" Chipped in Pollen.  
  
"Then why did you say, and I quote: 'Alas alack'. If you didn't mean that weren't an elf, what did you mean?" Asked Froggo in frustration throwing a dirty look at Pollen.  
  
"For goodnesseth saketh! About 4000 birdeths just kickedeth the bucketeth! I was expressingeth my sadnesseth at iteth!"  
  
"Oh" Said Froggo  
  
"Fascinating as this conversation might be, it still doesn't explain why this lot" Arrowthorn pointed at the 3 huddled figures on the ground "...are here" "They haven'teth goteth a mapeth"  
  
"I hardly think that is an adequate reason for them being here"  
  
"Well, they goteth losteth, so here they areth"  
  
"But maybe they are spies of Salmon! I mean who knows what they are talking about right now..."  
  
*Everyone goes silent to drop eaves on their conversation*  
  
"Master is good to Treacle! Treacle will follow Master!"  
  
"NO! He is a liar. A nasty fat liar! I'm the only friend you've got! He will betray you!"  
  
"Not listening! Not listening! Treacle is deaf, deaf, deaf you hear me? Deaf! Master is a good, kind..."  
  
"...nasty, fat, traitorous..."  
  
"...lovely, sweet, gentle..."  
  
"...murderous, evil, obese Hobbit! We must lead him to her..!"  
  
"No! Pollen must not speak ill of his Master! Bad demented Hobbit! Very bad demented Hobbit!"  
  
"Yes, we must learn from our Masters! Feel the force inside you! Slay the dark side within yourself, or it will overpower you!"  
  
"If you kill me now, now, I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine!" Shouted Pollen.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever little bone bag, and I'm the King of Gondor" Said Arrowthorn sarcastically  
  
"Well actually..." said Rudolf the Red (Planet) "I've been meaning to talk to you about that..."  
  
"What?" Asked Arrowthorn  
  
Just then - by complete coincidence (yeah right...), Harry Potter bursts back in...  
  
"Dinky?"  
  
"Yes, Harry Potter sir?" Asked Dinky leaping 5 foot into the air with excitement. "What is it Harry Potter Sir? Can Dinky lick Harry Potter Sir's shoes, Sir? Dinky has a new pair of socks Harry Potter, Sir! Would Harry Potter like a cup of tea, Sir? Even though Dinky is in absolutely no position to get one, Sir! Dinky would do anything for Harry Potter, Sir! Dinky would even stop speaking in third person, Sir, and stop addressing Harry Potter sir using his last name, Harry Potter, Sir!.. Or he would at least try, Sir!"  
  
"Dinky?"  
  
"Yes Harry Potter, Sir?!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
*Mumbles through closed mouth*  
  
"Yes Harry Potter, Sir" Then immediately starts ironing his head with a handy steam iron that Pollen produces from nowhere. Pollen then starts laughing hysterically at Dinky's pain and yet still Froggo doesn't realize he's a suicidal manic hell bent on destruction. Ah well, plenty more opportunities for that...  
  
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Next chapter: Sam progresses to a new level of eating, Pollen's comments start to take an effect on Froggo, Duplolad gets contact lenses... 


	4. Chapter 4 Packing

Lord Of The Rings - The Way It Was Never Meant To Be Written  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the new characters that appear in this chapter. They obviously belong to their creators: JRR Tolkien, J K Rowling & George Lucas (Creator of Star Wars)  
  
"Damn, does this cloak make me look fat?"  
  
"Huh?" Asked Damn through a mouthful of chocolate cake. "What coke? I didn't see any coke, or cake and those biscuits just disappeared all by themselves and it was Pollen I swear!"  
  
"Where's my mirror?!" Yelled Duplolad "I'm not going anywhere without it. Come on, hand it over. I know you've got it."  
  
"What makes you think that we would take your mirror?" Asked Arrowthorn.  
  
"Because you're jealous of me! How am I supposed to fight orcs when I can't see how masculine yet sensitive and dashing I look?!"  
  
"Well you'll just have to get over it Duplolad. We must leave immediately. Everyday Salmon's army grows stronger..."  
  
"Are they fish?" Asked Damn excitedly  
  
*Everyone turns to look at him*  
  
"What?! I'm hungry!" "Damnfool, can't you stop thinking about food for a few minutes?"  
  
Damn looked hurt.  
  
"Sorry, its just I like fish..." He trailed off as he realized no one cared anyway. They were all far too busy packing supplies for the journey.  
  
Arrowthorn was talking to Rudolf solemnly; Duplolad was still searching in vain for his mirror, he was presently up a tree asking the birds if they had seen it ('It's shiny and when you look into it you see this gorgeous elf...'). A few of the birds who had dared to venture back after Bush- Stubble's snoring attack were currently falling off their branches with boredom.  
  
Dinky was gazing up lovingly at Harry who was trying to dislodge him from his leg (NB - Home Elf Slaves are very determined. Once they decide on something, they stick to it. Dinky had decided he wasn't letting 'Harry Potter Sir' out of his sight again, which explains why he was hanging on to Harry's leg.)  
  
The wise and most ancient master of Yoga was sitting on the floor with his ankles behind his head humming something that sounded distinctly like '10 Black Deathstars' and Pollen was whispering something to Froggo and showing him something while seeking furtive looks around to see if anyone was watching. When he spied Damn he stuck his tongue out and went back to whispering.  
  
Damnfool sighed and went off again to raid the rations bags.  
  
* * *  
  
"Damnfool, can't you stop thinking about food for a few minutes?"  
  
Froggo smiled. Damn was always thinking about food of some sort.  
  
"Master is smiling" Came a small lisping voice "We have something master will like, yes we do. Look what Treacle has found master!"  
  
Froggo frowned. "Treacle are you alright?"  
  
"Treacle is fine master. Look master!" Said Treacle again holding out small object that glinted in the sunlight. "Doesn't master look fat master. We thinks he does. Look master, see how fat you look!" Pollen said mockingly, shoving the mirror towards Froggo while glancing cautiously over his shoulder. He noticed Damnfool looking at him and stuck his tongue out.  
  
"That's Duplolad's mirror" Gasped Froggo "Where did you find it?"  
  
Pollen looked at Froggo trying to determine exactly how stupid he was, then said "We finds it on the floor master..."  
  
"Duplolad!" Yelled Froggo "Treacle's found your mirror!"  
  
Duplolad stuck his head out of the tree. "MY MIRROR!" He exclaimed jumped out of the tree.  
  
Jumping out of a tree is easy for an elf. They are used to doing such things. What they are not used to however is the tree moving violently upwards just before they jump. The reason the tree moved violently upwards was because it wasn't a tree at all, it was Bush-Stubble having a nap.  
  
Duplolad came crashing down out of the tree and plummeted Almost-Middle- Earthwards at an alarming rate. Oh dear...  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Is just me or does Duplolad always steal the cliffhangers? Hmm... Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter. Sorry it's taking so long to write. Thanks for the reviews. I really appreciate them. :-) 


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